so tonight was not a night like any other. it was phenomenal. i'll be the first to say, my faith has been dwindling lately. and i knew why, but i had always put that in the back of my head, ignoring it. however, i kept on pushing farther and farther away, until i felt like i was too far back to get pulled in again.

however, tonight changed that mindset.

i've been going to this bible study / small group for quite some time now, all with friends from school. last week was a deep lesson, and the guy who preaches said that we should prepare our hearts for the week ahead, because it was going to go deeper.

well, he didn't lie there. today he told all of us to look at ourselves, see how we are deep down.. i've been wanting to go back to god so much now, and this seemed like the perfect oppertunity for me to do so.. but it was so hard. i had to let everything go, and give it all up. i had to push my doubts aside and trust that there was a god, i wanted to go back to when my relationship with christ was so so strong it seemed like nothing could break it. after the help of prayer with friends, crying it out, etc, i was just sitting on the couch, listening to the quiet background music, when the song here i am to worship came to play.

this restarts a new memory, of when i was a 5th grader entering 6th grade, at camp dunimas. this song was played the night that i dedicated my life to god, it was the only song i remember singing at that camp, it meant so much to me because i remembered thinking "this is the first song of my new life", stupid as it sounds, it meant a lot. as i was sitting on the couch, i remember before all the crying & letting go happened, i wanted to be strong in my faith again, like i was in 6th grade.. hearing that song told me that god heard me. he heard my troubles, my cries out to him, and he answered. THAT IS SO AWESOME. seriously, it was pretty much the most comforting thing ever.. totally a god thing. it was like he was pointing to me, saying "i'm real, and things are gonna go up from here.. you'll be at that point where you were again, this time it'll last.." i dont know.. it was awesome enough letting everything go, hearing that song just sealed everything up, made me believe even more than i did.

my god is so crazy in how he works, sometimes.

i love him.

i feel

like i'm on a roller coaster, up and down,

u P

and

d

o

w

n.

things are good, then the go bad, then good, then bad, and the cycle continues on.

sometimes, i feel lost, distracted, hurt, used.

while other times i feel on top of the world, unstoppable.

i need to grow myself a backbone.

the last day of may.

happened to be memorial day, meaning the last 3 day weekend before summer vacation. that previous Sunday, may 30th, was a day like no other; i had gone to the cinema to see a film with two friends, one whom which planned to spend the night with her boyfriend at a motel down the street. i had known about this for quite some time. she told her mother she was spending the night at my friends house, where i ended up staying at that night. we watched movies and fell asleep early, as we were both tired, & planned to sleep in until who knows when. however, somewhere around 6:50 a.m. , i hear the doorbell ring, & somebody knocking on the door continuously. i knew right then, that it was my friend's mom. my other friend's parents answered the door, and anxiously walked to the den, and informed us of our 'missing' friend. as i walked out the door to greet my friend's mother, the first thing she told me was "i KNOW you know exactly where she is." in shock, i was having great difficulty deciding what my next move would be. i could either confess, tell her exactly where my friend was, or, i could go another route, pretending to be shocked, & "try and find out" where she is. i picked the second route.



needless to say, i called a friend who knows both my mia friend & her boyfriend, & he "told me" that her boyfriend mentioned of going to a hotel. so, i told my friend's mom she was at a hotel somewhere.. and she figured everything out.



so, this sounds like it was pulled straight out of a movie, eh? well, i sure do wish this was made up. i doubt this will make sense to anybody besides me and the people who were with me at the time.


it has sure taught me yet another life lesson.


kinda sucks how i learn most of those the hard way, though.

things/

have been bothering me lately.

and i'm not one to t h r o w o u t my feelings into the open.



in most cases, if something bugs me, i keep it inside.

however, this whole blog thing might just come in use.



and all i can really say is that things are going to be a whole lot different next year. i'm cutting off all the things that have hurt me, and starting all new.


i guess, it's time to move on.