so tonight was not a night like any other. it was phenomenal. i'll be the first to say, my faith has been dwindling lately. and i knew why, but i had always put that in the back of my head, ignoring it. however, i kept on pushing farther and farther away, until i felt like i was too far back to get pulled in again.

however, tonight changed that mindset.

i've been going to this bible study / small group for quite some time now, all with friends from school. last week was a deep lesson, and the guy who preaches said that we should prepare our hearts for the week ahead, because it was going to go deeper.

well, he didn't lie there. today he told all of us to look at ourselves, see how we are deep down.. i've been wanting to go back to god so much now, and this seemed like the perfect oppertunity for me to do so.. but it was so hard. i had to let everything go, and give it all up. i had to push my doubts aside and trust that there was a god, i wanted to go back to when my relationship with christ was so so strong it seemed like nothing could break it. after the help of prayer with friends, crying it out, etc, i was just sitting on the couch, listening to the quiet background music, when the song here i am to worship came to play.

this restarts a new memory, of when i was a 5th grader entering 6th grade, at camp dunimas. this song was played the night that i dedicated my life to god, it was the only song i remember singing at that camp, it meant so much to me because i remembered thinking "this is the first song of my new life", stupid as it sounds, it meant a lot. as i was sitting on the couch, i remember before all the crying & letting go happened, i wanted to be strong in my faith again, like i was in 6th grade.. hearing that song told me that god heard me. he heard my troubles, my cries out to him, and he answered. THAT IS SO AWESOME. seriously, it was pretty much the most comforting thing ever.. totally a god thing. it was like he was pointing to me, saying "i'm real, and things are gonna go up from here.. you'll be at that point where you were again, this time it'll last.." i dont know.. it was awesome enough letting everything go, hearing that song just sealed everything up, made me believe even more than i did.

my god is so crazy in how he works, sometimes.

i love him.